The Stay-at-Home Husband

FRASER, Col. - I've been doing this freelancing, work-from-home thing for about 10 weeks now, so this is as good as time as any to take a step back and evaluate.

Generally speaking, it has been a God-send. I have so much extra time to myself, it can be overwhelming at times trying to fill a day.

But that is not to say that being a stay-at-home, quasi-employed husband is not without its stresses. Sure, I can hardly tell the difference between Wednesday and Saturday (though I've worked out a system: If Natalie wakes up first, it is usually a weekday, and if I wake up first, it is usually a weekend), but I still enjoy the rest and relaxation a long weekend like Memorial Day provides.

And that was my not so subtle attempt to provide an excuse to post this picture of my view from my D.C. sister- and brother-in-law's Colorado home as I type this entry.


OK, enjoy that? I am. But back to the task at hand.

Being a stay-at-home, quasi-employed husband, or an Economically Feeble Money-provider (EFM), while offering more time to watch the History International Channel while preparing dinner, adds a bit to our financial stress.

By my estimates, I've earned about the same amount of income had I been employed this whole time, but getting my contractors to reimburse me in a timely manner has proven most difficult and frustrating. Which has caused me to spend parts of my day scouring the competition for freelance opportunities as well as a few other outlets.

The great unknown of when I'll get paid again as well as how much billable work I'll be able to do from week to week and month to month, especially while we're still living in Virginia, as been very stressful.

I'm not looking for sympathy. As I've said, I love not having to drive to an office and deal with people with whom I don't particularly like on a daily basis. I like being able to determine how I spend most of my day. I like being able to go to the post office and being the only customer.

So while I've gained a lot of perks, I think it is easily lost upon others that this newer life doesn't necessarily mean I'm living on Easy Street. Every time I hear, or induce, someone say something to the effect, "But you do nothing all day," I bristle and feel insulted.

I'm sure this stems from several things going on. For one, there is truth to the statement, which probably what makes it the most cutting. But there also is some judging and condescension that I don't appreciate. As I and others have discussed, in the United States at least, it isn't playing second fiddle to a woman's career.

So I don't feel guilty about needing a little R&R get-away in Colorado. And I definitely feel as though I've earned it.

EFM: Emasculating For Men?

On Sunday, I said I had taken a respite from posting due to college basketball, but that is only half true. The whole story is that I was occupied Friday with a Free Study Inside (FSI) course for Employment-Frenzied Mates (EFMs) about finding jobs (or careers, for the lucky) at posts.

I gathered lots of interesting data and advice during the daylong course (in fact, somehow I was in class longer than Natalie even though she is learning Spanish as a requirement and her only job right now. Also, this was flag day for the 151st A-100, and one of our friends, and EF'M reader, got assigned to Belize; we will be visiting.)

One piece of datum the presenters shared was that are 9,743 EFMs as of November 2009. Of this group, 7,901 (81%) are women compared to only 1,842 (19%) men. Within the class I was attending, of the 23 in attendance, 16 were women (69%) and there were 7 (31%) men*. The asterisk is there because there actually were only six men there, but one of the women was the FSO, and she was there gathering information for her husband.

Also, during the event, one of the men I met took the nontraditional step of adopting his wife's last name and dropping his. And as recent as yesterday, while researching on how readers were finding EF'M, I found that someone Googled "what is it like being the wife of a fso," and that brought them here.

Now, I'm not too proud to be a "stay-at-home" husband (it does help that I'm actually a work-from-home husband) and never really considered my masculinity to be at risk. Yet I should admit occasional feelings of discomfort on the topic.

It is not that I mind taking a financial backseat to my industrious, ambitious wife while putting my career on hold. Far from it. Part of the reason for my signing off on this whole deal stemmed from the fact that I was not getting any satisfaction from my career.

Rather, I can sense judgment in others - friends, family, and even the foreign service community. What is wrong with this guy? How can he watch idly from the sidelines? And from the foreign service, why doesn't he take the tests, too, and become a tandem?

Maybe this paranoia stems from cracks in my self confidence. Maybe I'm more proud than I once thought. Or maybe I subscribe to 1950s stereotypes more than I knew.

At least within my circle of friends, family, etc., it still is fine for the man of the house to be the sole (or dominant) breadwinner while the woman stays home and tends to the household duties. But when you challenge this norm by reversing these gender roles, there is some awkwardness.

Now it is up to me, and my fellow male EFMs to make peace with that judgment until the rest of the country catches up. For me, that is why having some source of independent income is so important. Not only does it let me maintain an identity separate from the foreign service, but it is part of my claim to my manhood. I'm bringing home some of the bacon, too, even though I'm also cooking it.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the grocery store now, and I'm fine with that.