I've come to realize I may have put the cart ahead of the horse a little and skipped this topic. Or at the very least, I only hinted at or made some implications as to why I was agreeable to Natalie taking up a career with the foreign service.
I found myself thinking this over in great detail after reading a post by I'll Take Mine...To Go, Please! about talking disapproving or concerned parents/family members about this different lifestyle.
Along with the regular suspects of questions about where and when we leave for Mexico and what we will be doing comes the other biggie, "Why?"
Of course, part of this question is brought on by the fact that we are moving to Mexico. If we were telling friends and family we were moving to some western European capital, it would be easy to turn that question around and ask "Why not?" (But isn't just hilarious to tell people you are moving to Mexico to get a job?)
But even before Flag Day, or as I like to call it, A-100 Lottery Day, friends and family really couldn't understand why we would sign up for a life that would require us to move to anywhere in the world every two years or so. (Where I'm from, we joke [these were jokes, right?] that if you want to cross the Ohio River, you need a passport...such is how well I was equipped for culture shock.) After all, even if we were sent to a Caribbean paradise one time, we could end up in civil war-torn hell hole the next.
I can't speak to Natalie's frame of mind when she decided to apply. Besides, that's kind of out of this blog's scope anyway. I'm here to talk about why spouses would be OK with moving away from friends and family and likely ditching a career as well.
For me, at least, the career thing wasn't a big deal, because as I believe I've made clear, my career wasn't really going anywhere.
But that obviously doesn't answer the question about "Why the foreign service?" After all, I could just quit my old job. And if a change of venue was also part of the answer, this is a large country with plenty of places to relocate.
The easiest answer is that this is what Natalie wants to do, I love her, so I support her.
I have my selfish reasons, too. I do want to see the world, and this definitely lends itself to that.
Professionally speaking, I fancy myself a writer. As such, I believe that writers write from personal experience. This life offers an abundance of experiences I would not likely face in the United States alone.
So to come back to ITMTGP's question about talking to family and friends about this choice, perhaps the main points that should be made is why you want such a life. Our family and friends just want what's best for us, so maybe once they know why we think this life is best for us, that might help them to cope with adjustment.
And don't expect anyone to understand either. This is a nation that has done pretty well throughout history subscribing to isolationism, so wanting to leave the Land of the Free to live else where is an entirely foreign concept to most Americans. I think the key to putting others' minds at ease is getting them to understand that this is a decision that was not made lightly, pros and cons were weighed, and ultimately you reached the decision that this is a lifestyle that is best for you.
Back Doing What I Love: Part 2
1 day ago
"Our family and friends just want what's best for us..."
ReplyDeleteThe more cynical would say that family and friends most want the comfort of knowing you'd make the same decisions as them - which is why out of the box decisions like joining the Foreign Service is so troublesome to some... in particular those who are supposed to support you the most.
One of the most striking things that ever happened to me in this vein was when we were leaving Austin for DC for my husband to begin A-100.
ReplyDeleteI was telling some of the moms in my boys' music class that we were joining the FS, etc. etc. They asked the famous question, "Where will you be going?" When I said I didn't know, but that we would find out about 6 weeks in, they just stood there horrified, their small children in their arms. They immediately followed with a million more questions about safety, type of job, etc.
I kid you not, this was the first time I actually realized that some people would never choose this life. I think since about the age of 20 I had thought everyone actually wanted to live abroad, travel the world and have a different adventure every year, but that they chose not too because they didn't really think they could do it. I figured they had resigned themselves to a life of living in the States forever as a consolation to the life they really wanted (abroad).
This went a long way to helping me explain our decision to our friends and family. I started saying, "The fear and reservation you feel about the prospect of being told to upend your life every two years, send your children to new schools and make all new friends is they same fear and reservation I feel about the idea of staying in Austin (or the US) forever." Light bulbs going off everywhere after that.
Sometimes I think we're crazy, but I never doubt that we have made the right choice for us and I think our friends and family are starting to see that too.
Hey, Thanks for the mention. I also just linked to you today. You're from Ohio too? And a journalist?
ReplyDeletehi there, I can't remember if I've commented here so forgive me if this is a repeat. I've been enjoying your blog. I'm a FS candidate waiting on clearances (hoping to be tandem). I hope to be posted in Mexico so I will enjoy reading about Hermosillo!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a pertinent topic for many of us. My family and friends definitely value the intl travel thing and many of them are quite jealous of our upcoming (hopefully) adventures but I do run into people who think I'm crazy to agree to go anywhere with my children. And yes, sometimes I think I'm crazy too and am just crossing my fingers that while they are small, I can go to posts that I feel ok with.
I linked to your blog, let me know if you object! Looking forward to reading more. Bridget
I fancy you a writer as well. I too will be a male TS as of ~ July. My wife heads to DC for FSI on 5/10. "The fear and reservation you feel about the prospect of being told to upend your life every two years, send your children to new schools and make all new friends is they same fear and reservation I feel about the idea of staying in Austin (or the US) forever." - I could not have said it better myself. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteYou know it's weird. No one ever asks me that question. I think most people who know me expected me to do something like this.
ReplyDeleteRob I couldn't disagree with you more:
ReplyDelete"The more cynical would say that family and friends most want the comfort of knowing you'd make the same decisions as them - which is why out of the box decisions like joining the Foreign Service is so troublesome to some... in particular those who are supposed to support you the most."
I hate to be the thorn in my big brothers blog's side- but the bottom line is that I am proud of him for making his own decisions. My concern for him has absolutely nothing to do with choosing a different path than say, I would. I find it insulting that you would assume our concern is a mere discomfort by the unfamiliar.
We love his wife Natalie, and we are happy for them and their new adventures. In no way does my love or pride give me peace of mind about their safety. I hate to have a sharp tongue, but before you make assumptions about how we feel on a blog, you should consider that "we" might be reading.
To Beth - I wasn't commenting on you or his family in particular... much more a general commentary on family dynamics and those who make unusual decisions in that context.
ReplyDeleteApologies if you felt insulted. Unintended.
My experience has been that those `closest` to - be they family, friends, or simply people who knew you 'before' - are often those most resistant and questioning when your own decisions move outside their particular comfort zone.
Mileage varies, of course.
Further, the article linked to was filled with stories in the comments of disapproving and difficult in-laws and relations... So I'm not entirely clear as why you construed this as a personal attack.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, it seems to me that the "joke" related - 'that if you want to cross the Ohio River, you need a passport' - imho, is at least reflective of his [possible?] opinion that the community he comes from is at least somewhat insular. Or at least trends that way. Which would make disapproval/discomfort as the result as of the unfamiliar, not an illogical possible conclusion.
Read the post as presented, followed the link, drew conclusions...
What your specific reasons for concern are, of course, entirely unknown to me.
I guess I need a little clarification. First, I probably should have just stuck to "concerned" family members and left out the word "disapproving." In my family, at least, concerned is the only of those two which is applicable. For other families, disapproving might be more appropriate, hence its inclusion.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm from Kentucky, but about a five minute drive from downtown Cincinnati. But even though I can see the skyline from my parent's house, the attitude on both sides of the Ohio River is that the two places are so different, they are like different countries. That was sort of a tri-state area inside joke.
Finally, thanks to all for leaving your stories in the comments section, and always feel free to link, if you feel so moved. No permission necessary!